| title: A little soul |
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:: archive :: |
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date: Monday, October 19, 2009 time: 1:01 AM Oddly enough for the setting I heard it in, one of the most painful questions I was asked to reflect on last year was "What would you do, if you knew you could not fail?" I know my foolish, stubborn answer would not be this life I'm leading. It feels like the wisest answer, given my knowledge of my capabilities and my limits - my failures, in short - would be to do what I'm doing now, to maximize my potential, and all that which seems like evasion of the unrelenting logic of the question. What would you do if you knew you could not fail? Satisfice? I think I know. But what do I do with this? File it under desire, toss it as wishful thinking, or put it in some box in a deep dark corner, pile a billion things on it and never look at it again? What do you do with dreams anyway? I guess you go back to sleep. date: Saturday, October 17, 2009 time: 1:29 AM Things happened to make me wonder what I want. Household production theory makes me think that what I'm striving for is some abstract quantity of fulfillment and fatigue, without knowing in what way, shape or form, nor indeed how much, each individual action I take produces these strange commodities. Life is humbling, and I'm in very illustrious company. date: Tuesday, September 22, 2009 time: 12:07 PM I think I had forgotten, for a while, who were the people I could confide in. It's a pity that the summer's over, but at least I fly without that sense of loneliness that's been bugging me. And maybe once in a while is all you need to keep you going. date: Saturday, September 12, 2009 time: 1:59 PM Even after cherry-picking songs of nostalgia off my mp3 playlist. Actually tried to go to bed early(/ier) this time round, but that didn't work out. So now i'm staring at the girl on the GRE book cover. She seems to be avoiding eye contact. Yeah, well. The open expanse of america seems to be shrinking into a rather narrow path, plainly-laid out, maybe not particularly well-trodden, but not particularly attractive solely because of the inevitability of the Things that Must Be Done. I don't like to have to do stuff, I like to choose to. Maybe the difference is only in my mind, but it's pretty stark there. The first flight was exuberant, idealistic, hopeful. The second was much more fearful, also nursing some wounds and some grudges. Maybe this time I'll just be jaded. Or I might be very, very sad, because something will have to give in this next year, something will end, and I will have to grow up, one way or another. Only counting the flights to chicago. The returns were uniformly hellish. date: Thursday, September 03, 2009 time: 10:26 PM The girl on the qmax page reminds of this person I met in the first week of Chicago life. When the world was a very different place, and the aims I had for college were more bounded. Horizons have opened, but that also implies that not everything that looks good and worthwhile will get done. It's still disappointing, though, when things don't work out. Growing up is getting used to how the world works, I guess, and maybe that's why they tell you to hold on to childhood dreams. So that some part of you holds on to a world that is unlike the one you see, and pushes you to change that little sphere around you. But the rest of you still gets used to stuff. This summer has passed by far more restfully than the last. Some of the impulsiveness and restlessness has been worn out of me by the last year, and it's no longer a surprise to come back and find the groups different from the way they were. We find our ways. I was wondering about when destiny enters a young person's consciousness, when it dawns that what we do has an end, and that we are going somewhere in life, and what we do builds/fulfills where we will be in time to come, and that at the end of our life, there will be a memory of events that led us there. I would say I started consciously choosing my actions, with the future in mind, at around age 15. I wonder if that's early or late. But the gate is opening and I think I shall have to catch up on my sleep on the plane. Pity the company-sponsored SIA flight only lasts 2 hours, it has been a while since I caught me some pokemon. Or have they moved on to something even more past my time? date: Wednesday, July 22, 2009 time: 11:11 AM I wonder if I'm trying to be somebody else, or if what is natural to me at full consciousness changes as I become tired, or stressed, or bored, or distracted. It's strange to see myself falling back into virtually the same routine as last summer, and feeling completely different from how I envisioned it back in chicago. I guess I was under a lot of stress last quarter, and for a rather extended period of time, I wasn't thinking clearly? Hindsight seems to have a calming effect on me, and this is a new thing. Everything just seems to fall into place. I do too, comfortably shuttling between the cbd and holland v. Not entirely a happy place to be, but I can be much more self-controlled, for longer periods of time. It's like I can be that person, when I'm at my best; well-rested, composed, not drained by emotions good or bad. I just have to figure out how the messy parts of life fit in, without a complete relapse of personality. I wish, very much, for there to be many grey, rainy mornings, after I end my working stint, and for myself to be awake, briefly to feel the mildest bite of the wind before falling back asleep. Selfish, I know. I suppose somewhere out there, there are people who can sustain in their hearts a sincere affection for the sun. date: Tuesday, June 23, 2009 time: 12:34 AM but love always remains. |
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